Monthly Archives: May 2012

Confessions of a Purple Head

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I can’t explain why, but when I woke up this morning I had an overwhelming urge to tell on myself. I spent so many years (in my addiction) hiding so many things, that I find it not only beneficial but also very freeing to tell on myself. For those who know me, it’s not really new or news, but if only for myself….

I am totally ADORKABLE. I sing really loud in my car with the windows down. I like to pose like a model in the mirror, often. I drink out of the carton. I am horrible at keeping in touch with family and friends, even though I think of them often. I’m not the kind of  woman that  decorates the house for various holidays or send cards. I will always think farts are funny. I rarely watch big people television, mostly cartoons, even when my kids are not around! I am horrible at disciplining my kids. I laugh during very inappropriate times. I LOVE to pick my nose. My favorite jokes are something you’d hear from an eight year old. I shower, at most, twice a week. I am infatuated with Afros. I can’t pull jokes on people because I can not keep a straight face for more than 20 seconds. I am horrible with money, and picking men. I love krunking. I think I may be the opposite of anorexic: when I look in the mirror I see someone much smaller than the Heather in real life. I only see the good in people, which sometimes leaves me hurt. I LOVE cheesy horror movies. I love a good dutch oven. I do not always wash my hands…. and… I am very good at shooting snot rockets!

Phew…I feel much better now. Don’t you?

Being Voracious.

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Voracious:  1. a desire to satisfy any bodily need or craving. 2. a desire or liking for something; fondness; taste: an appetite for power; an appetite for pleasure.

Synonyms:  gluttonous – ravenous – greedy – edacious – rapacious

In my road to recovery as well as self discovery, I’ve taken many opportunities to explore all my flaws.  Like for example, step 4, of the 12 step program. “We make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. ” Taking the time to really explore our own “yuckies” is really a very difficult task, because lets be honest here, who wants to really roll around with all the bad things about yourself? But, as hard a task as it is, I’m finding it to be terribly interesting and also beneficial. By being honest with myself about the bad things about Heather, I can learn how to change for the better, and really, isn’t that what life is all about?

Fortunately and unfortunately,  I have many “yuckies” to work on, but my main focus at the moment is the fact that I am terribly voracious. Even though I honestly feel super blessed and even fulfilled: something inside always wants more. When it comes to material things, I can’t just have 1, I need 5. Food: once I have something I like, I’ll eat until I’m sick. With relationships I am happy only briefly, then I find myself needing constantly more validation and affection. More, more,more…

I am making this “yuckie” my current issue mainly because it seems to be the hardest for me to understand. See, I’m the kind of person that doesn’t worry at all about problems. My thoughts on it are as simple as, there is a solution it every problem. So I choose to spend my time and energy not focusing on the problem, but on the solution. This, I believe, is something that keeps my life so drama free which keeps me happy! Usually the solution comes to me naturally, so in the rare case when it doesn’t I get very frustrated.  The solution to being voracious seems obvious….just don’t be, but in order for me not to be I’ll have to get to the root of why it is that I am.

Why do I always need more? I am a very happy person. I feel grateful for the things I have, blessed even….so what is it that makes me crave more, more, more???

I have no idea. Yet!

More. More. More.

Let’s talk POF.

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Everyone of us has a friend, aunt, cousin twice removed, or a friend of a friend who has met someone online. The most romantic story ever, chatted it up, decided to meet, met in person, fell in love, and is now living happily ever after! What I want to know, is how many flippin’ people do these people go through before they found that love. Because people, I have had A LOT of internet dates, and still no happily ever after! I have met a lot of fun & interesting men, but just not THE one and a ton of crazy ones!

Let’s talk about POF, otherwise known as Plenty of Fish. This is one of my favorite dating sites. Here is how my typical online dating goes. I go through hundreds of messages, most go like this:

“Hey sexy”

“Wanna get together?”

“Hi I’m so-and-so, it’s nice to meet you”

And then once in awhile, there will be a well thought out, creative message, belonging to a man I have absolutely NO physical attraction to. On the occasion there is a thoughtful message that belongs to a picture I am attracted to, we start to get to know each other through the dating sites messaging. After that, we move to texting or talking on the phone, usually texting (come on it is 2012, who calls anymore) Here is the rise and fall of me and online dating. I will usually talk to this man for a week or two, everyday, via text message. I usually by this point, am really into the man, and then we decide to meet! So I’ve been talking to this man for a week now, he’s smart, attractive, funny, seems caring, and I am super stoked to meet him in person. I get all dressed up, get a stomach full of butterflies, meet and …….NOTHING.  No fireworks, butterflies escape, no spark at all.

Ugghh… so it’s back to square one! And then, there was Chad!

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Growing Butterflies.

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It really puts things into perspective to watch Mother Nature so closely. To be reminded of how small we are and how small things that are smaller than us are! If I could recommend one thing to do with your lil’ spawns this would be it: Get a Live Butterfly Kit. Jaya and I bought this kit at Toys-R-Us on Earth day this year. It cost about 20 bucks. We were a bit disappointed when we got home and realized we had to mail order the bugs, but they came much faster than expected. A little cup came in the mail with 5 tiny caterpillars. The instructions said they would eat the brown goo on the bottom of the cup. The very next day the caterpillars had grown by like a quarter. I have been keeping a photo diary of their journey….so far!

Come Along Now!

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So this is me. Heather Dawn (like the dish soap) Harwell. I just recently turned 30! Yay!!! I am a single Mom of 2 of the most adorable lil’ spawns a girl could have, Jaya Muse (4) & Phoenix Michael Marley (1). Currently I’m on the fun & exciting road to self discovery (trying to get it right this time) and you, my friend are invited along for the ride. So grab your panties and hold on tight…..cause HERE WE GO!