Monthly Archives: September 2012

P.S. With Conviction


There is change coming. I can feel it all around me, thick but not stressful. The energy in the air is different. It is not stressful, but I am aware of it all the time. On top of that I have been feeling a lot of pressure on me. It feels as though the weight that usually rests on my shoulders is getting heavier by the day and I feel like I am structured the same as a house of cards that may soon be blown over by the slightest gust of wind.

Some of that pressure is caused by the lack of answers in my repetitive quest to move forward in life. I wholeheartedly  believe that I have all the tools I need. I am open. Talented. Motivated, and have a good work ethic, but…..I have no idea what to do with these tools. And although day by day I am praying for the eyes to see ANY opportunity that could help me make a leap, still I spin around and around, not moving in any direction. It is quite frustrating. This issue spreads like warm butter into the next, which is Money! I am financially f*cked! It’s not like I want or need a ton of money, actually I have never felt very comfortable  with large sums of money. All I want is to be comfortable. Not to live pay check to paycheck. Not to be a financial burden on someone else. Not to have to screen phone calls for creditors….but, how is this possible if I can’t move??

With all this thick energy around tingling every inch of my body with the feeling that change is coming, and the lack of ability to move forward and relieve any extra weight on my shoulders, I have to honestly say, I’m a bit concerned that this change that is coming may be not an easy one. Never the less, after thinking through it many times, I can say with full conviction, that even my house of cards soon blows over, I know that I have a solid foundation to start rebuilding…

I think that’s what it is all about, having a solid foundation. Because, having a solid foundation means that then that wind blows and knocks me over, my feet will still be planted, and I would not have drifted so far away. I will have, ready to help me rebuild, my core values, un-shakable optimism, hope, faith, love and support. And that is VERY comforting.

So bring it Universe, I am open and welcome your change. Hopefully this time I’ll be pushed so hard it will knock me out of the place where I have spun for so long that I have dug a hole beneath me!



Cleaning YOUR House!



Last night I went to an AA meeting, as I do every Wednesday where my sponsor invited me to participate in a first step meeting, which I hadn’t done in quite some time. For those who have never been associated with AA or NA, ect, a first step meeting happens when there is a brand new person who is attending their very first AA meeting ever. If it is a female, then several women will volunteer to take the newcomer out and share their struggles, strength, and new hope.  So, that is what I did. There were about 6 or 7 of us, including the new one. Basically what happens is we all sit in a circle, someone will start speaking. They may start with when they took their first drink and continue on to how they ended up. They may talk about consequences they suffered in their addiction. Friends or family they lost and other things of that nature. Then they will talk about the moment when something finally clicked. They got help, and they will talk about where they are today and the program and people that helped them, or are helping them. These first step meetings are very interesting because you have women at all ages and all at different stages of sobriety and recovery. I think in all the different courses of action regarding my recovery, soaking in other women’s stories, has been one of the most beneficial to me. Anyhow, although I did listen to what all of them had to say…my head was spinning with one main thought. I was just so amazed at the incredible transformation these women are making, and already have made.

These people in recovery, they are no different than any of us. Most people that I know want to change or transform themselves in some aspect. These people who succeed in recovery though…they are HUNGRY! I want more than anything to make these positive changes to make their lives better and will stop at NOTHING to get what they want.  Anyone can do this. You don’t need an addiction, or a group meeting. All you need is to know what you want to change about your life. And you need to find that hunger that aches in your belly, constantly reminding you to drive yourself at all cost to get what you want. To know that nothing is too great of cost or too big of task for you to overcome, because you’ll be getting where you want to be.

What or where do you want to be???

I think everything that happens to us negatively, is like a sloppy coat of grey paint just thrown over us from head to toe. This starts at an early age. Every negative comment, lack of attention, every heart ache, every illness, every fear just another coat of dull grey paint. We accumulate so many layers that we start to dry out and slow down, maybe even dry to the place where we stand, enabling us to move forward. These thick, disgusting, dull layers start to form an outer mold of the people are. We see this self image and slowly become that mold. But, we don’t have to….

Each and every single person has the power to transform ourselves into what we want or are supposed to be. I think for me transformation began when I started to take a good long look at my flaws. Not so to beat myself up about, but more to explore. What are my flaws? What caused them? Why did I do them? And, most importantly what could I do to start correcting them. Flaws are God given, but we do not have to act on them. By even starting to get up close and personal with your flaws, accepting them, embracing them, you are already starting to reclaim power, because we are not our flaws! The flaws are merely a product of the paint layers, and we can shed them. Just do not be afraid of the shiny self underneath. Do not be afraid of change or success. Just dig your nails deep within the walls of dull, lifeless paint and start to peel it off.

Peel away all the self doubt you have. Peel off the insults. Tear down the feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, the frustration, embarrassment. Dig into the feelings of abandonment and rip it off! And when you are starting to make progress, dig in deeper and shred off all the anger, the loneliness, and hurt. After all this work, you may feel sweaty and exhausted, but….if you honestly do all the above and take a good, deep look at what’s left: You will find the real you. You will find the body that was meant to match your soul. The honest you. The shiny you. The you that is open to new challenges and welcomes change. You will have transformed into something real and beautiful.

Here’s the catch. The ONLY person who can give this amazing gift of transformation to you….is you. This means that you have to lay down ALL your excuses. You have to take action and be responsible for following through with it. You will have to give up all the whining and woe is me B.S. and actually do something….

But I want you to know that I have complete faith in you. Why wouldn’t you want to transform into something FREE? Go out there…Get Shiny. Get to know the real you and fall in love with yourself!

Non-Psycho Babble…


This crazy road to self discovery, I have to admit, started kind of slow. Trying to figure out what it is that I like. What I enjoy doing when I have time to myself. Picking up little hobbies here and there, like growing butterflies, or learning archery
That has ALL changed. Creative desires for learning new things are now coursing threw my veins, faster than I can retain them.  The problem is that resources and time are not on my side. So, I have decided that today  am going to list out all the things I am currently interested in learning about, that way when I do have the time and the resources I can use this blog as a check list.

1st thing I am super into right now: Aromatherapy. This I believe is my true calling in life. This is something I have just recently became interested in, but honestly feel I could NEVER learn everything about. Aromatherapy is maybe the most awesome thing. So far I have only played around with Peppermint and Rose oil. Both seem to be a complete success. I have also started printing off course material about it and reading as much as I can! Seriously, I don’t know how anyone would not be terribly interested in Aromatherapy?  There is seriously an oil or a mixture of oils for any condition, ailment or mood you could possibly think of, with NO side effects! Seriously…how awesome is that? I always knew I was meant to help people…maybe just maybe this is my calling?

2nd thing I am getting into: Henna! I went to this Mind, Body, Spirit expo a few weeks ago. I took a class on Henna. The speaker spoke about different Henna designs, what the placement of them meant, different rituals with Henna, and I was completely fascinated.  She said that wearing Henna on the palms of your hands, pleased the God’s and that when you wear Henna on your palms that all your prayers will be answered. That day, I had her do some Henna on my palm. Not only did it look super interesting, but the following Tuesday, I found the perfect car, and bought it, started dating the car sales man, who turns out to be a dream come true AND a perfect gentleman, and also my court case is winding down! Now, I’m not saying this was all because of the Henna on my palm but what if it was?? Plus it’s another form of body modification..and you know how I love that!

3rd thing. Growing Henna plants. So I did a little investigating and learned that the Henna dye for your skins comes from Henna plants. I also learned that I buy a packet of henna seeds for like 4 dollars. You grow the Henna plants pick off the leaves, mash them up then after a few days of some plant chemical process, the dye starts being released at which point will dye the skin. I thought this process would be much more fun and a lot cheaper than buying Henna dye pre-manufactured. Also will researching all this I saw that a lot of people sell bottles of natural Henna on Ebay, so this may be a way to make extra income?

I think maybe I’m just super interested in alternative medicine all together. Yoga, hypo-therapy, pressure points, sweat lodges, acupuncture…. it is all so terribly interesting! I just want to know EVERY thing about it!!!!

Aww… so EXCITED!